So I heard that today is officially known as ‘Blue Monday’. Apparently it has been ‘coined’ by an expert who says we Brits have fears over debt, anxiety over brexit and we are down and unmotivated now Christmas is over.
For as long as I can remember 24th January had been ‘coined’ the most depressing day of year? I guess It makes sense, January is a looooooonnnnggg month, we are back to reality after the holidays, payday is still nowhere in sight, and it’s freezing and dark outside.
For me, 24th January really is the most depressing day of the year, and it has been this way for the last 12 years. This was the day when my life as an 18 year old changed forever. I lost my Mum. She died suddenly and it was a massive shock, and it was very hard to deal with.
To me, my mum was more than a mum, she was my everything, she was my best friend, the one person I trusted with any secret and a woman who I admired. She lit up a room simply by working into it, she always had the time for you and everyone loved her.
To me she was the best mum in the world. And just like that she was gone forever, never will I laugh with her again, never will I see her face and that lovely smile. The moment I found out she was gone my future without her looked very dark and quite scary.
At any age it’s tough losing your mum, (or one you love) but I felt robbed, and from time to time I still do. She will never be at my wedding, never meet her grandchildren and She will never approve or disapprove boyfriends.
Grief is a tough thing to go through especially if you’re young like I was. I felt had this huge weight on my shoulders, like I had to just keep going, pretending I was ok in front of people and then crying my eyes out as soon as I was home.
It was if there were two conflicting sides to me, the one that was 18 and wanted to be carefree like everyone else and the side that felt alone, because no-one understood. It was like wearing a mask not showing anyone what was behind it.
Looking back that was my biggest mistake, I hid my feelings and held it all in. I was very british about it (stiff upper lip and all that). It was my way of handling it all.
Knowing what I know now, it was a very wrong move. I was lucky though, I had a group of amazing friends, one in particular always stands out for me. She just got me through, she told it was ok to show emotion and to be sad when I was feeling sad. She also taught me that it was ok to be happy and taught me how to be that carefree 18 year old again. That’s what my mum would have wanted. She would want to see me happy.
It was tough for a long time. But with time it does get better, I don’t really know why, it just does.
There are still days when I struggle with her not being here, this time of year especially, Mother’s Day is also a hard one, Birthdays and Christmas, and the random little days in between that just pop up and take you by surprise.
But one thing I have learnt to do, and it really helps me, I always share my memories of her. There is apart of her that is still very much with me, a part of her is me, and that gives me great pride and comfort.
I hope I haven’t waffled on too much in this blog. It was just something I felt like sharing.
Hope this Monday hasn’t been too blue x